Here and no further

In a world where all my doors are closing, I find yet another closed and locked. It seems that captain sensible had too much to drink as usual and spoke to Jane in great details about her and why she is single etc, in his deluded efforts to find me someone he dropped a few hints in her direction about me and her - oh dear...

Now I like Jane but, just like. I am no position to consider any romantic involvement at all, something about having my heart cut out and all (well sure feels like it was... but I digress). So now I saw my friend Jane in the usual place and she avoided me and left... I was a little confused until numb nuts recalled a little about what he had said to her the night before in good intentions and the subtlety of a trident missile...

Poor ol' Jane has her own issues and I am not apart of the problem until today - thanks Captain Sensible. I have likely lost a good friend and so slams another door...

Obi, kicked down and how far further to fall??

On the positive front, I have to wait 60 days for my residency permit to be processed and then I will be part of the local population, well at least in a bureaucratic fashions...

Sunday Sundays

...its that little souvenir of a terrible year that makes my eyes feel sore...

Today was a humid 30c and the poles were melting under the weather, the locals assumed that I was used to it and praised my cool head... Fools I was all floppsy too. ah well - heres to keeping illusions up.

I spent the day with some very sweet friends and had a nice meal in their home and felt connected. After a nice meal and a long walk through the mosquito infested woods we returned for icecream and some TV.

Then I strolled through the steets of my town and to the familiar door of my local. Inside was Jane and she was dispondent. Her day had been spoiled by her friend's change of plans and so I suggested some pineapple pancakes at a place we sometimes go by the river and she agreed. Yummy desert and a good chat later she was smiling again and that is a sight to see...

Tho nothing I do seems to cheer me up, I wish Lizzie would change her mind and realise that when it all burns down, love is the most important thing in the universe...

...here's where the story ends...

Obi - reaching out...

Polish BBQ's & Successful Hostage Negotiations

Today I managed to talk The housemate out of drinking to unconsciousness, so a small victory.

We were invited to a small Polish garden-lot and had a party in a small and quaint cabana. There was the usual that i have come to know and love and the laughs and food and vodka.
My green curry chicken with lime went down a treat and now I am known as a great cook... for those who know me they know I am unremarkably average! Either way it is good for my reputation, which I have done my best to craft and keep.
I took the queue to leave the bbq after the lovely Jane (protecting her real name) got a call from the manager of a bar she works at part time to go and help - they were inundated and so, she swished on her bright red cape over her admirable curves and we left with her. We went back to the bar and the place had cleared, so I took that as a sign to end the evening and have a cup of peach tea there...
I convinced Captain pisshead that he should come with me while he could still walk and open the front door. I was shocked, he agreed.
Tomorrow I have lunch with new friends, a couple I know and I am pleased they are interested in me. It is nice to view a foreign life each day but it is more important to be in it and feel it flow through you...
Obi making small steps forward...

Thoughts from 1.15am...

... I settled into sleep and avoided thoughts painful to remember and struggled for sleep.

Down the hallway outside the apartment I hear the all too familiar staggering of business shoes. I hear the usually fumble with the lock for the door for 4 minutes as he tries to recall how the little metal thing and the door are related and then I see the door open and my house mate is being carried by one of the young friends at the pub.

This sincere and nice guy carried my house mate home and was struggling to reason with an alcoholic the whole time. This bright young man looked dejected as the hero he saw revealed himself to be the waif like drunkard. He handed his care off to me and then left dejected shaking his head...

Now my house mate wandered around for quite a few minutes as I convinced him to go to bed but he was having none of that. He wanted to smoke and stay awake.

Now the last time my house mate went for a smoke in this particular state he fell down a steep flight of stairs and bruised his hip and sprained his wrist. So in all good intentions I put my foot down to this man in a child like state and said - "it's nearly 2am, so to sleep. tomorrow is another day." To which he got quite angry and told me that he does not take orders, he gives them to the senate and he is the emperor of Rome and I should respect him or lose my head.

At this point he had offered me his keys and I took them and locked our front door. He struggled with the door and yelled at me for some time longer and then started cursing me for locking him in. I went to bed and smelt smoke from his room and asked if he was okay and or smoking (which we agreed he wouldn't do in this house. So I questioned him, as you do a drunk childlike asshole and at 2.45am convinced him to sleep and that I had classes at 9am in the morning.

Exhaustion finally got him and he went to sleep. I tried to rest but the sadness and the repulsive disrespect I held for this man kept me from any fitful sleep.

The time is now 11 hours after he went to bed and he is still not awake yet. I have gone to work shopping met friends and come home and he is still unconscious as is his habit. Sleep at 4am up at 3pm...

I am not sure what to do and I need my dear readers advice -

1. Should I tell our boss that I cannot cope any longer (because this sort of thing happens 3 times a week.)

2. Should I break his jaw and love the release and kick him into a bloody pulp.

3. Do I wait and grit my teeth and cope with this for the next few weeks and allow the contract and students to be satisfied...

4. Should I email his mother and tell her to prep some rehab for him when he arrives home...

Please - Leave a comment as i need advice!

Obi barely in control!

Thoughts at 1am

The Journey of a thousand miles begins with one step - Lao Tse

Of course what he never said but always meant is that it's extremely painful to turn away and start...


Obi longing for sleep.

End Of Sunshine

Lyrics

Well today it was confirmed, with the conviction of a sledge hammer, that I am no longer worth loving and that her future doesn't contain anything of me at all...

I pushed for an answer and I got what I knew she wanted to say and what she couldnt...

"What is the name to call for a different kind of girl who knows the feelings but never the words..."

What can kill love? Fear can kill love... but fear of what she can't answer and I will never know...

So take this as a cautionary tale ladies and gentlemen. All the king's horses and all the king's men, couldn't put lovers together again.

Snow Patrol says it best...

Obi heart broken

1 plus 1 equals 1 - The economics of love

Watch

What does the cowboy get when he plays a country and western record backwards?

His dog is alive. His boss likes him and he has a job. His Truck works... and his woman comes back...

Something For Kate, a fantastic Australian band wrote this song about a year or so ago, it is apt for me today I think.

Lightglobes wash up all along the beach and you light me up with certainty,

Well she calculates coincidence and circumstance and turbulence,

Gotta see what it is and it's everything.

Coz baby can't see through,

all this matter and make up and deja vu,

Yeah we drift here alone with nothing to do,

Until one of us makes the other one come true.

She wants to meet her fate, but travel by free will,

But she can't have both and you can't stand still.

I'd be the luckiest man in the universe if cause and effect doesn't get there first,

But she keeps looking for patterns and the world just happens.

Chorus

She said these questions don't answer like other questions do,

so just let me be here with you.

I have classes today as usual but I am terrified of the replacement teacher organised by my polish co teacher.

Captain sensible will just go in and speak about himself and rave on about rubbish unrelated to the subject and in the second half of the class I will have to pick up the pieces.

Obi understands a lot more about the pressures on the other end and also has some hope back.

Catharsis

I had a revealing and cathartic chat with an new friend today. We are friends through common elements and interests and we share unique and helpful perspectives. It is refreshing and amazing where you find new friends. Sorta keeps you inspired to keep on playing the big game...
A nice long sleep in and some good chats today have rejuvenated me somewhat and now I have what remains of the day, which is quickly fading into twilight, to have some fun and relax...
Someone is still on my mind a lot but she is difficult to catch, though even if we do. What will it change?
Obi, feeling the age of his bones today...

The big plus is that my little town is hosting a music festival and only a few hundred metres from my house! Cool baby!

Friday Weekend Backtrack

Well my work week is over and my only class for tomorrow, 7.30am was cancelled at 11pm. Fine with me I had a few quiet beers and concentrated on my friends and learning a few more words in Polish.

I heard the 'click' as you do sometimes in life and I have discovered my brain has kicked into Polish and I actually have a better vocabulary than I imagined. That pleases my friends, but I am still feeling a little empty of things I deeply need, though nothing is gonna change on that front so, again in my life, I have to extract myself from the situation that is causing the pain and move on.

My overly verbally expressive co teacher has some serious words with me via SMS today about a class etc. Finally in a taciturn mood I turned up to work to face the wrath and I got a breeze instead of a hurricane. Storm in a tea cup, But it is more about lack of communication than anything. I mean I have to ask students where the co teacher finished and I have to begin. this is common as co teaching is rife with problematic obstacles. Tho my housemate and fellow native speaker is in strife with his co teachers, they are actually going to the boss and speaking to him about the situation. It seems my raving house mate is pathologically incapable of being told anything or cooperating with anyone. He has never followed a curriculum or a book and for an experienced teacher teaches far beyond the comfort level of his students and this is where the problems lie.

A class on Articles (a and the ) he is supposed to complements the good work of his co teacher, but instead regales his bored students with stories about himself or inflammatory topics such as brothels and religious controversy using a vocabulary far beyond the students capability to absorb and understand. He has 6 weeks left and can't be told to stop drinking and won't be told to tow the line and won't be told anything at all... So in as much as I have a soft spot for the fella I will be relieved to see him go.

I need to help the boss find another teacher, someone that understands their place in the big scheme of things, undestands that books and classes need to be modeled, demonstrated and complemented. Someone who doesn't drink to excess everyday and isn't emotionally unstable and imbalanced.

I have a month off in July and so I am at odds as to what to do. I was thinking Spain, a quiet and cheap holiday. Ya never know who will come with me... I could get free lift to Danmark - which would be nice...

Obi's tired but not giving up just yet...

Thursday Morphine

"We used to meet every Thursday Thursday, Thursday in the afternoon..."

Funny thing happened last night at the local...

A gorgeous girl that looked like a supermodel came in with friends and knew the locals in the bar that I knew. She sat next to my friend whom I was chatting with and she looked at me.

She looked at me again and I was surprised, My attention to detail in my disguise as a normal, scruffy and regular fella had been compromised I thought by her pretty eyes and slight smile... I looked away and looked back and in a moment she smiles again and I looked behind me, thinking she MUST be looking at some guy behind me. No - she was looking at me rather intently. I blushed and felt 10 foot tall at the same time...

The friend I was chatting with caught the exchange of looks and she looked at her friend and the spoke quickly and briefly. All the time I was in a dizzy shock that I had caught the eye of such a stunning specimen. My friend smiled and looked back at me and said...

"This is my friend Anya, she is a hairdresser, she wants to cut your hair, she thinks it looks terrible..."

What cant I say?? I hit the ground in a flash, blushed and changed the topic. Such is my life... always close but far too scruffy...

Obi has good grooming! sniff...

The Dandy's

A long time ago we used to be friends, but I haven't thought of you lately..

Cape Disappointment

So. Here is the story so far. I am an Australian that was tired of his life in the land of OZ and started to run low on job options. Despondency jaded my every step and move. One day I discovered a way to escape the hole I had spent so much time digging. Go and live overseas and work and teach English.

Armed with a new found energy and fervour I ploughed through the training and packed up my life and affairs and jumped the first plane to Moscow. A big change for an Aussie boy? Not really. Worked and learnt and taught and had fun for 6 months then fate dragged me to the next exhibit in the gallery of my ironical life, Poland.

Now Poland is a nice place and although any life has its challenges I have set up a simple and effective way to get by modestly. Usually half way through a contract we all hit the waves and dips of expectation and disappointment.

I am currently surfing a nasty rip called anxious apprehension. The swells are as you would expect for this time of year, with waves reaching 1 to 2 metres. My board is waxed with a stubbornness made from many a day surfing here and the board forged from my over idealist, ironic and idiotic pursuit of love and happiness...

Somewhere along way today I have got a wedgy in my board short and it is making the whole thing really shit me... Lets see what tomorrow brings... Surfs up big Cohuna!

Obi need a de-wedging device!

Damn-O-Cleeeees

Tuesday and the official start of my week. Tho usually on Monday nights I have a few advanced classes and they usually go well. Last night I had a group discussion on Forced Ranking and Remuneration models for business. Dry stuff but I actually find it interesting most of the time. Hence the reason I want to do a distance degree in English or Business

Today I have some more business classes and some case studies to discuss.

My usual spread of classes encompass elementary and Pre intermediate and one Intermediate class. I am lucky that I have so much variety. I have some great students sincere about learning. A small few are not interested or I have yet to fathom their trigger of interest.

All of this is overshadowed by a growing nervousness, a sword of damocles if you are into visual cues. Some aspects of my life I am in control of and that is what we all aim for. freedom and choice. In other aspects I have no control and no choice and I think that is what is ebbing my optimism and energies away.

Obi - How do you fix a leaky boat? as quick as you can with what ever you can find...

I stand corrected...

I have been corrected in my assumptions on the state of my current point of view about a certain woman. Tho corrected I am still left with no end date to this uncertainty or any indication of the future. So I will wait 70 daze and see what is said after the stress has subsided over the channel.
Obi corrected but not any better off...

Grant Lee Phillips Virginia Creeper

This album has become a steadfast companion in my CD collection. I have been a devotee of Mr Phillips for the best part of a decade. I have seen him live a few times and drank in the entoxicating and soulful music every time.

I think my favourite track has got to be 'Dirty Secret'

"Heres a little secret love, everybody comes undone..."

It was said recently, what is worse than taking away love?

The answer I have found my dear readers is - getting it back broken.

How often after love can you be friends? ...the lines are open dear readers, 555 - O B I 1

Obi is waiting to know.

Oh No! I'm Human!

I was set straight, in rather an abrupt fashion, as is the trademark behaviour of this particular Polish teacher.

She had heard back from our shared students that I had spoken poorly about a co-teacher to students. Yes - I was wrong and I see that I have transgressed and crossed the line. A stupid thing to do in hindsight, but all things are stupid in hindsight aren't they?

As my dear readers know I had a tough week last week. Being that I had a few issues that I wanted to vent and a shoulder to lean on. I found none but a kick in the guts... This particular Polish teacher is most commonly unavailable. Regrettably and unconsciously I resorted to letting out my complete disgust on another teachers behaviour, which I still find utterly reprehensible.

He crashed a wedding party which one of his students was a guest at and proceeded to ingratiate himself on the hosts and guests alike, got very drunk on their vodka and as the party finished proceeded to vulture all the food remaining on the tables and wrap it up and bring it home.

Now as hungry as I was last week, no money no food and all, I still would not even look at the food he scavenged.

I don't tell this story to avoid the fact I crossed a line in making the serious error of confiding in students my disgust. I accept this and also had it shoved down my throat by this Polish teacher.

She has decided in her wisdom not to continue a friendship with me because of it. I am disappointed that I transgressed, but we are all human and make mistakes. But her extreme decision is what shocked and hurt me the most.

She has the right to do as she likes. Usually I find her to be overbearing and the sort of person that has to tell you everything that doesn't sit well with her any time when it happens, not in any sensitive or diplomatic fashion as you would expect from someone in their mid thirties, but it a rather abrupt insensitive way. I don't like this quality about her but I accept her and manage that side of her when I am exposed to it. At least I don't give up on friendships as readily as she seems to.

Obi's Human - what a news flash!

A Shaboo Shoobah Thing...

"...What is the name to call for a different kind of girl, who knows the feelings but never the words...?"

I have been listening to Shaboo Shoobah for the last few days. A seminal and formative album for me. I remember it was the first tape (note tape - far before the CD was even imagined) I ever bought and I recall being so excited that I played it in my mother's car on the way home. She had gone to cut the hair of the local plant nursery owner and I sat in the front seat of the car on a hot afternoon listening and revelled in my new found expression.

"...What is the name to call for a different kind of girl, who knows the feelings but never the words...?"

Women I find are strange creatures, often they believe men to be emotionally underdeveloped and brutish in their expression. But I say thee neigh - to borrow from a dead writer from Elizabethan England. I know a great many people and at different times I have observed individual's abilities to express themselves and convey their feelings. Generally speaking, men will not say so much about their feelings, they would rather show a woman by doing the Saint George thing and slaying the dragon and rescuing them from one peril or another. I know one man if fact that would give his beloved flowers every day of their life together, but shockingly, this inept woman whined that he never said I love you to her. Well in fact he did, and does each day.

I understand the female propensity to verbalise and even over verbalise what they think and feel. Studies have shown that women will on average speak 6000 words a day when men will speak only 2800... Personally, in my profession, I speak volumes on a daily basis, whether I want to or not. So it may be that men are more directed in their speech and women have a different understanding of the superfluous. Who knows... Who cares... Women will always complain that their prince charming has put his sword away and has sat down with a beer and are now watching football... Come on, you try and hold a sword all day and look dashing all the time... It aint easy. Ironically, the dragon we slay very often turns into the woman we love... But I digress...

"...What is the name to call for a different kind of girl, who knows the feelings but never the words...?"

... easy. Emotionally absent. ...and fellas, if she is, your swinging your sword for nothing. So put it away and go watch the football till the phone rings... Peace mah Brothas!

Obi knows the name...

Back into the routine

The last week gave me too much time to do nothing and so spiral off into boredom. This week I am back to teaching and a schedule that I have a structure within... Thank god!

I confronted my housemate about being a miserable alcoholic insomniac and he took the news as if it were a surprise to him. After the first 4 minutes of the discussion he smirked which was a signal to me he had stopped listening. I begged him again not to wander around the house until 4am because I am a light sleeper and he wakes me up with his business shoes on the tiles and dropping things and stumbling around drunk and swearing uncontrollably... etc. But the out to lunch sign had popped up in his eyes and that was that.

Today is payday for me and I will be keen to get some money as I ate the last morsel of food I had yesterday. Today is water and packet soup.

Valuable reminders have come from the lack of cash and substantial food as you would expect and I am not about to let them go.

I will be starting a severe saving regime that will last until the end of summer. I had expected a visitor for the summer but the likelihood these days is far less than slim. I have to be philosophical I guess. I have nothing else left, no hope at all.

I asked yet another friend for their ear and a shoulder to lean on but, as with the pattern with most people, as soon as you start into that line of conversation they quickly rip the rug out from under you and start a soliloquy about themselves or as they see it a similar issue they recovered from that you are supposed to glean some wisdom from. The art of just plain old listening is lost these days. I need to get a dog, at least it will listen.

Obi back in bed, avoiding the day ahead...

Revelations of a door mat

I have discovered a great many things this week. None good and nothing to bolster my flagging optimism...

1. I live with a raving alcoholic. I tried to deny it at first and see it as a binge brought on by depression, but no. Can you tell me who gets up at 6am for a beer and a cigarette? Who empties a bottle of vodka, just opened overnight between midnight and 5am? Who goes to the same bar every night and drinks whether he has money or not? Who cannot go to sleep without drinking a gallon of strong beer every night? Who is so chemically dependant that when faced with the idea that he has no money and pay day is 2 days away he meets one of my students in a cafe and proceeds to get them to buy drinks all night for him. Who do you have to carry home because he blames sunstroke on the fact he has been drinking and not eating for 4 days and is too weak and drunk to stand up. Who is in complete denial about drinking so much and will spend the next 8 weeks alienating everyone he knows in his regular bar by trying to coerce them to buy him alcohol? Whom you actually gave a roof to for 3 weeks when he had no home and recommended for a job that was made vacant at the same time he quit his last job, handed him a viable option when his life fell apart? Who owes you a lot of money loaned in good faith and thanks you for all this by refusing to pay you when he promised. My housemate, that is who.

2. What do you do when someone you care about half your life turns around and starts criticising you about things they believe slighted them but in so doing they miss the big picture and nearly lose a friend for life? Well luckily that situation has been avoided, but still hurts and the weight of it adds to point number one, three and four.

3. What do you do when the person you love so deeply so completely pushes you away at the first sign of stress because you are the easiest target? What do you do when the person you can't be without in this world says they can't tell you when or if in July they will see you because she has decided not to make that decision and won't give any answer at all even though you cry tears of blood down the line and beg for a sign of hope, a gram or a scrap? Do you see then that you have always made yourself available for her to vent to and lean on, and taken a lot of time, love and tender patience and wasted it on the wrong person, because you see at the end of it she is too immature, or worse, refuses to give when you make it obvious you need something from her for a change so so badly. If you love someone you put them ahead of yourself in everything. not fourth.

Lyrics

4. What do you do when you have a friend who you have supported and cared for through some very dark and lonely times in the last 18+ months. Who acknowledges your efforts and asks to be told when they can do the same to support and be leaned on. Then when you do need that person really badly she fobs you off for a phone call and espouses some made up on the spot MSN etiquette that real people come first. Now, I have put off sleeping to the early hours, stopped meals and ignored my own phone and responsibilities to be available to speak to this friend at length for hours, to cheer her up and offer her support and just sometimes just to keep her company as she drank alone in her apartment miserable. What do you do when you are nicely kicked in the guts when this is pointed out?

Suggestions welcome...

This last week has really unsettled my optimistic view of life and love and friendship. I want to learn to be a sociopath - where do I sign up??

sociopath (soh-see-uh-path, soh-shee-uh-path)
Someone whose social behavior is extremely abnormal. Sociopaths are interested only in their personal needs and desires, without concern for the effects of their behavior on others. (Compare psychopath.)

I am burnt out and washed away. every time in my life when I have reached out and needed I have been treated like this. You'd think I would have learned by now...

Obi... needs... (and that is just wrong in some books!)

D Day B Flat

Today is a public holiday here in sunny Poland. In my opinion, there are are far too many of them. You see no work no pay and I had a week off last month for easter (also force holiday) and I have another week off now.
I also have a few dozen things I should do, like find a job for 2 months in July... Now I have checked and I cannot work in the UK. Damn!
I have to create my own business course here and a general conversational English course. 2 X 4 Weeks X 3 Lessons a week... The Boss and staff are behind this, which is good, but I have to create the work and walk the walk.
I have planned to go on holiday through England and Ireland. Travelling happily with a sweet little minx I know, but that plan is out the window, sorry baby...
Today I have to fill out my Polish residency application, tomorrow I am going to the capital to submit it. It seems large and looming that I have all the papers and to be honest I am paralyzed with a combination of overwhelmedness and apathy... odd huh...
My housemate is out galavanting around the town on some pseudo missions to build and maintain contact with people and friends alike.
The house is clean and the washing done so I don't have anything to distract myself with... 'cept informing you my dear readers. So. Off to the Kitchen and a strong coffee and start that damn make or break application!
Obi kind!