Push it up and it all falls down...

Hello dear reader, Yesterday I was made a fool of my a girl that I loved. I use the past tense because she has achieved what she wanted from me and she has it.

You can dump someone and not give them any reason and ability to discuss it. you can contact them 2 months later and rekindle the love and plan to meet and talk and heal.

You can't make arrangements for a holiday together and back out of them at the last second. You just can't rip up a heart the first time and tear it to shreds a second time.

For so long she said she was a horrible person and I disagreed because she has some hefty self esteem issues, you know she has a good heart. But now...

Obi - Evil and revelling in it.

Life... you wouldn't buy one...

Well I am exhausted and sick and tired of everything, I need a miracle. what the hell is it all about anyway. I cant seem to cut a break anywhere. I give a lot of myself and work hard, mind my manners, and manage my temper. I am never late and I am very considerate and friendly. Work and students come first and I don't swear. I respect people that I don't know and don't judge the ones I do, I am kind and generous and patient wih others. I am a team player and open hearted... So all that culminates into a big neon target on my head that God can see and lets the angels shit on me. I must be quite the joke upstairs...
My advice to everyone out there is just don't try and you won't fail, and when you think life is bad, then have a chat to me. I am the idiot that cut himself off from people by moving to a country that I cannot speak the language, in a small town where people are guarded against strangers, even after all the time I have been here. Left my home and friends and family on some stupid vision quest and now here I am, alone and my health failing and my belief in anything good for me is gone.
Laugh, laugh loud - coz I am too, to try to stop from crying again... Obi wants to be a sociopath!

Moment in the sunshine

The quiet warmth of sunshine touched me this morning and I had almost forgotten how relaxing it was. I took a moment out of life and just stood there and embraced the moment, let it etch itself into my mind in every detail and nuance.

Its gone now, but at least I know when to take the time to appreciate the very special things in life.

Obi puts his dark sunglasses back on as the clouds come back.

...Table For Two...

Its quite late and I have had a zero of a day, my only student cancelled and I was relieved. I needed some time for me, but I must say that my time alone these days is becoming less and less fruitful and more and more weird ... and unhealthy.

A message tonight filled my heart with happiness. Thinking about someone has become a full time distraction for me these past months and hearing from her was a gift from heaven. A short message but just the medicine for this ailing heart. Words to think on and things to ponder.

I am going on holidays in the next few days and I will be so happy to escape this gilded birdcage I call home. I need to escape and have some fun and shed this sadness soot.

I have a class in the morning, the count down is on until holidays. I will have to take a bus to Warsaw airport and leave from there to Aberdeen. 5 days in Aberdeen and maybe a jaunt to Northern Ireland Belfast for a few days - maybe down to Dublin for a few more and then a flight from Dublin and home... another week at home preparing for my new semester of teaching. I will have to up my standards I think. It is not that I have gotten lazy these past few months, it just that Iam not getting as much out of teaching that I hoped for.

But next year I am starting a degree at Open University and I will be happy to throw myself at school work for me and my benefit, not definitive and non defining clauses and third conditionals and past perfect horror...

Sleep now Obi - you need to dream...

Buddah said - "you got no say in it".

The buddah was right but he places his wisdom in the strangest places... Consider the farsically dubbed 1970's TV series Monkey. Who knew the wisdom of a life time would be contained within the overacted and strangely dubbed scenes of a Japanese TV series shanghaied by the BBC...

But it is there and the 6 degrees of seperation brought it to the Machinations, an Australian pop group from the 1980's... "you got no say in it" to me says that I have no influence on what has happened and that someone I know is well capable of being able to get through her own life with her own brand and understanding of success without me and do quite well. The lyrics bugged me on the edge of my mind for a few daze and then they came to me in total. I looked up Youtube and found the consolidation of my thoughts. I may actually use this as an NLP chant or a mantra for myself when I start to look at the void in myself. Something to steel myself against it.

On other matters, I gained Polish residency this week and I collect my ID card tomorrow. I could and should be more pleased but I don't feel much happiness these days. The sun shines but not for me. So I decided to travel for the summer to the UK. I want and need to be able to speak English where ever and when ever... and some kind friends in Aberdeen have offered me a summer sanctuary. If I have time I may even go to Moscow... but Money is an issue...

Obi missing the 80's

...and then?

Well I finally got what I wanted for the last 6 months, I am Now an official Polish resident for at least 2 years anyway... so Why am I depressed and sitting alone at home?

Well I do have a gastric microbe or bacteria in my guts causing excruciating pain quite often, I have a course I cannot be assed finishing, my co teacher quit for personal reasons, I lost my pay sheets for the month, I don't have any real friends and I am alone in a town that could bore the pants off a dead person. Zombies would go further to find a good brain to eat...

God I am in a shitty mood

Obi-literate the world!

Disconnected

Well I am feeling rather disconnected from everything this week. or perhaps the pretty pitcure has cracked and the toxins are seeping through.

I really have lost all will to be in this town anymore. I need a holiday and I am okay with that, its coming but I am pleased and dreading it.

I have no plans for the first part of August, well in actual fact I really wanted to go travelling with someone but I can't find anyone to travel with.

So sadly I will be off to Krakow alone to wander the streets by myself, take photos of buildings and think about the person I miss the most.

Maybe I should just wander out into the forest and lakes around my town and not come back in September...

You can see the most beautiful sunset or beach or sights in this life, but it is all worth nothing if you are alone.

Obi + 1??

Happiness

DUE TO THE DEMONSTRATIVELY SOPPY CONTENT OF THIS POST IT HAS BEEN DELETED

Disco Neck Ted

It has been a weird week, much longer than any week has a right to be.

The mix ups the sudden 180 turns and the 1080 resolutions, man my head is spinning.

I really don't know what to say. So as I sit here quietly on a Friday night alone. I want to send something out to a girl I knew. A girl that killed the best part of me with 3 words. I miss her tonight...

Sing with Obi now...

I find you in the morning After dreams of distant signs You pour yourself over me Like the sun through the blinds You lift me up And get me out Keep me walking But never shout Hold the secret close I hear you say

You know the way It twists and turns Changing colour Spinning yarns You know the way It leaves you dry It cuts you up It takes you high You know the way It’s painted gold Is it honey Is it gold You know the way It throws about It takes you in And spits you out

You know the way It throws about It takes you in And spits you out It spits you out When you desire To conquer it To feel you’re higher To follow it You must be clean With mistakes That you do mean Move the heart Switch the pace Look for what Seems out of place

Yeah on and on it goes Calling like a distant wind Through the zero hour we’ll walk Cut the thick and break the thin No sound to break no moment clear When all the doubts are crystal clear Crashing hard into the secret wind

You know the way It throws about It takes you in And spits you out When you desire To conquer it To feel you’re higher To follow it You must be clean With mistakes That you do mean Move the heart Switch the pace Look for what seems out of place

It goes this way The line is thin It twists away Cuts you up It throws about Keep me walking But never shout.

Cuts you up?

Friday - The Roman Epic!

Friday night - now that was an evening of epic proportions. The moon must have been in alignment with mars and jupiter coz it seemed everything came together. The local was packed and I knew everyone.

I had planned to meet a student, I am friends with her husband and herself and they are really nice people. So after dinner she and I drove out to her house which is under construction and had a look around. it is curious for me to see different building styles and materials, but it all seems to be normal here. Back to town and into the pub for a beer where we waited for her friends that never came. I introduced her around and she chatted with people. I was engaged in many a delightful conversation with good friends and a few lovely ladies. Tho sadly I trust none of these ladies charismatic smiles. My luck with women has been rather scarce...

I did catch up with another English teacher and his lovely girlfriend and we had a great old chat and beers and vodka - The evening finished for me at 4am when the bar closed and I walked home in the early morning light. I had a class in 5 hours and I was determined to make it. I was in fact late by 20 minutes but my student didn't care - she was stressed about a great many other things and we chatted about them.

I went home at 11am from the class and promptly went to bed for another 6 hours. I didn't bother to go out at all on Saturday night though I had quite a few calls and offers. I just crashed, partly because I was feeling a little guilty that I had over partied on Friday and partly because I needed a little Brad time to sort through some thoughts etc.

I did manage to have to be really good chat with one girl I am friends with but you know the whole we were both pissed and it was 3 am and her boyfriend was there so wanted to leave cut the chat short... He is a great guy, I speak to him often, but I have never spoken to her as much as I had last night. She acknowledged it was a great connection and she had believed I didn't like her as I had avoided her a lot in the past few weeks. The opposite is true and I cleared up the whole misunderstanding and she and I are better friends now. Why are all the good ones taken.

Obi consulting the stars...

Timetable part 2

Management screwed up! Making me do a course for summer that 2 days earlier they cancel, in that time I rearranged my current classes so I can have some time off in summer. But now, with 20 mins warning, I have an extra 6 hours teaching this week and I have to which all classes are now in conflict with my changed timetable, so I have to re - rearrange the classes.

That is crap - I am the teacher - they have the owners and admin staff to do this shit in most companies I know of, I shouldn't have to do all this and teach as well...

I bloody told them I was pissed off too, the message got across. With my health declining I need to focus on me not calculating and cross referencing bloody classes and courses!

Off to the Doctor again soon because the pills ain't working no more and I am near broke when it comes to nervous energy, I am so tired I actually vomit. So tired I can't sleep, so tired I can't even focus on what the hell I am hired for. My dangerously high blood pressure is causing my heart to race and severe palpitations and chest pains all the day and night, night sweats and dizziness. So shit better change and I better be happy with it or I am dumping all classes for the summer - who cares!

Obi really angry...

No respect

I can't believe I keep falling into the same conversations with Mrs X. We talk about something - I gave her the information, because I know without doubt the fact and still she contradicts me. I am so sick and tired of having what I say questioned especially when I am quoting facts from first hand experience. Or worse she will take the opinion of someone she doesn't even know because she has empowered them with some kind of mystical respect and unquestioning belief in what they say...

It is simply a case that I am not respected or considered to actually be able to know things. It is quite ironic because when I was growing up I saw the same situation happen between Mrs X and her mother and so often the arguments brought Mrs X to tears and blind frustration... and 20 years on I remind her of this and ask her why she is doing it to me and she said to me once, and I will never forget this, "because I can."

fuckin sick and tired of it - completely. Obi

Timetable shift left...

Well it was an odd evening yesterday. One student didn't turn up. I found out that my 5pm student changed to 7pm and then I discovered that there was a class I was going to have and had only 15 minutes to prepared for nothing I knew about - Shit!

The class went well and I got through it and entertained them, but I now have to re- rearrange the schedule. Promises made to students can't be fulfilled...

Oh, finally Nob head JUST left on the bus - thank god! Obi happy and ready to clean the house...

...she came to mind...

Today I was listening to some old tunes and letting my mind wander and it happened to linger on one sweet face and her name is Joanna Louise Thomson, that is so he she is ever bored enough to Google her own name as it is the practice of some people then she will see that I was thinking about her today...

So I say to her that i think of her fondly and that I hope life has made her very happy as she deserves to be. Love and Peace. Obi

Red Letter Day

My housemate today is wandering around packing the last of his belongings. I have taken this as a cleaning bug and caught it and reshuffling my life as well..

I need to clean my mind of all the distractions I have had the past few months, they are seriously impeding my ability to see and think clearly.

For one the crush I had on a certain girl in town is waning quickly and I will be free of it soon. I am reorganising my teachers books and my room and wardrobe and drycleaning and getting everything sorted out.

I rearranged my schedule so I have Wednesdays and Fridays off now and I will be working about 14 hours a week.

I am exhausted by teaching now and as much as mu EU project students have a break now - mentally I need one too.

My health has improved slightly over the past week and I will continue to get healthier.

I have come to many realisations about the life I have chosen here but none has see form or word as yet and I will look at them and share them in the next post.

Spent yesterday in Torun with 2 of my gorgeous friends. they went clothes shopping and I tagged a long like the daggy pack mule, but I got to see more than I had seen before and I had a good day and spent very little.

So today I have a new student and no idea what to do with him. I will figure it out later today. I was actually torturing myself in my half sleep withing of what and where and how about this class and the ones I have tomorrow...

I doubt I will be frequenting my local bar anymore. I just have no desire to see that waning crush, and I don't need the company of false friends and as we say in Australia "gunnas" going to do this going to do that and all the invites and plans they make are just piss in the wind more often than not.

Well that is me for today, Obi signing off thinking about packing it all up...