Matthew Good - Weapon...

...nuff said - Obi

Kristin Hersh Your Ghost - a version I have never heard

Matters of the heart

I went to the Doctor yesterday and she gave me the once over and I was quite alarmed when she strapped me up with a blood pressure monitor and kept checking my heart.
Seems like I have palpitations and hypertension again, I have had this monitor strapped to me for the last 24 hours and it's bloody annoying. Personally I just think it a broken heart...
Oh my date last Thursday cancelled and she stated as an excuse that her BOYFRIEND would not like it if she started to date me... Lying USER!!
Well that is the last straw. I have been kicked around enough by the opportunistic woman in this place, if it isn't a free meal it's an free impromptu language lesson. So I give up.
Now I will just concentrate on my health and getting fit and purging my life of that bloody English fool who I am sure has contributed heavily to physical and mental stress levels. I will be ecstatic next week when he goes! Normal sleep and a normal life.
Semester One finishes this week and I think a successful start to teaching in Poland.
The alarming thing I have noticed is the number of people that will literally corner me in the bar or anywhere and demand I teach them English! I could make a killing financially but the problem is time, I need a holiday and contract, I promised my boss I would have no private students while contracted to him. fair enough too, he is good to me and I don't really want the extra money - I just want a nice and quiet life.
The irony is that so many people want from me and no one wants to give to me...

Obi exhausted and in need of a rescue.

Was there anything I could do?

She comes home and she’s happy

She comes home and she’s blue

She comes home and she tells him

Listen baby were through

I don’t know what happened next

All I know is she moved

Packed up her bags and her curtains

Left him in his room

Was there anything I could do?

She went out with her paint box

Paints the chapel blue

She went out with her matchsticks

Torched a carwash too

I don’t know where she’s living

All I’ve got is a card

A picture of her at the pyramids

A knife held to her heart

Was there anything I could do?

She came down from the mountains

Said goodbye to her guru

She went back to her room

Lost herself in voodoo

I don’t say that I blame her

People don’t know what they want

If you spend your life looking behind you

You don’t see what’s up front

Was there anything I could do?

Putting out her fire

Putting out her fire

Gooood Part 2

Well I have another date on Thursday night, with a delightful and funny woman I work with. No not a student, though there is one that is quite appealing... But no, professional ethics of distance and all that blah blah blah...

Good news. In consultation with the family of the drunkard I live with we have arranged for him to go home mere days after he finishes his contract instead of 2 weeks.

Now a raving alcoholic with no responsibilities to the world and a pocket full of cash is a danger to himself and others. So his mother who was buying his ticket has rescheduled his departure date. He has been booked into rehabilitation for his chemical dependency and will also undergo some revealing tests to discover whether his epilepsy has gotten worse due to the drinking etc, he knows none of this.

Suffice it to say I doubt he will be in any shape to move to Rome and teach. A 50kg bag of bones has little endurance until it is cut off alcohol, medically treated and made to eat food... 'nuff said.

I, on the other hand, must shed a few kilos brought about likely by the lack of good food and eating at the wrong times of day and the imbibing of beer and lack of exercise. Now I say lack because as some of you know I have a severe and debilitating back injury. I have been to the doctor just today to see what this attempt can get done. I will be having a scan on Saturday morning and she will tell me the news Monday.

my summer work course has met with a lack of interest from the general public and secretly I am pleased. I really would like to drop down a gear or 2 and just cruise quietly for a while. I have infact increased my non EU project hours and so I have more Business students and will be able to get by quite easily.

I must put an end to this stress about a certain beautiful woman I know... I am quite attracted to a local angel whom I have known for many many months and I think in the last month I have dropped a few hints that I am attracted and dropped a few more to her close friend whom I am sure have told her. no change in behaviour or responses to me. Now in as much as she is utterly sweet selfless generous caring and has a heart of gold, I cant force out of her what is not there for me. Siiiigh. So to bring to an end the pining and uncertainty I will just plain old ASK her if she is attracted to me, this will in turn ANSWER the question I have been afraid of for the last little while, I really should have struck while the iron was hot instead of leaving it this long... But I am just human and a distracted one...

Happy warm and fuzzy! Looking forward to champagne, pretty eyes and a joyful laugh tomorrow night.. Wink Wink Obi!

Life is GOOOOOOD!

I am happy and feeling great with so much energy!

I sadly don't have a general or business English course for the summer, I advertised and was interested and planned most of the classes already in anticipation, but only 2 students are registered for it. But I am happy because I REALLY am not fussed if I do them or not. A quiet summer filled with the best things in life, swimming in the lake, BBQ's with friends, I joined the gym, so that is paid for. I have a lot of students and friends that work all over Poland so I can go anywhere any time to any city, just a chatty passenger in the car!

I have had lots of invites and offers for many things, almost too many. Fitting things into my social calendar is not easy these days.

Housemate will be gone soon, and not soon enough for my liking, only 2 weeks to go!

so I have a good start to the summer ahead. I have even had some interest from the ladies... I was quite surprised because those that know me, know that I have 2 left feet usually with the ladies and I am rather backward and coming forward, but there are a few pretty faces popping up here and there. I was invited out to dinner last Friday and it was a delightful evening.

A shame I can't seem to make the connection with the girl I am quite attracted to, she is just 3 kinds of awesome, but I know she isn't interested in a relationship, tho she calls and chats to me very often and there are other small indications that she maybe contrary to her own opinions....

I can only hope and be patient...

...either way I am bound for find someone in the next few weeks!

I was at the bar yesterday reading words out of the dictionary in Polish and I had everybody in hysterics! My pronunciation is terrible, but after 5 beers that can be expected.

I got invited to Moscow by a rather amorous young lady I know and so I may actually go for a week. maybeeee...

So - Obi got lots happening...

The best things in life...

End Of An Era

I took today off as a mental health day and I sat in the humidity and thought. It was a combination of the words of some good friends and some my own realisations that I am now at peace.

I am at peace with my grief and recognise and accept the passing of something beautiful. I send out my most sincere and supportive thoughts to the night sky for that special someone, she knows who she is and I say to her it is time to stop any sadness she has and look towards the future and know that love and happiness are in her future and that i thank her for every second of love she gave me, I will alwasy cherish it. I have only admiration for the strong heart and gentle soul she has.

Its time for this little black duck to get on with the business of getting on...

Obi at peace.

Missing Sunshine

I have been staggering around the last few weeks, unbalanced and unsteady. I have stayed away from the faces I know when I can and sat and thought a lot about nothing much happy.

All I can really say is that life is just not the same without the pure blindingly warm love of sunshine. The days are dull and the food is tasteless and I have no idea what I want to do from day to day...

I really miss the centre of my heart, and every good thought and feeling I have.

Obi

Sick & Tired

Well I can officially say that I am sick and tired. exhausted and spent.

1. I am tired of giving so much of my self for little or nothing back

2. I am sick of all the selfishness in this world expecially my corner of it.

3. I am exhausted mentally physcially emotionally and spiritually, I need a miracle.

4. I am spent, I have no resources of any kind left and I need a damn holiday and I need something to go right for me and gimme something that I need.

My Mood

Garbage is playing around and round in my head and this is what they are playing... any interpretations please...

Where to next?

Today I am feeling more empty than the space between earth and the sun. I feel cold and alone and empty.

Today I spent the day in introspection. I spent the day looking at my life and the thin and fragile threads that make up me.

Captain Sensible said to me yesterday that he wondered why I gave 'them' (the people I have come to call friends here) so much of myself, when they gave so little in return. I couldn't answer. This was in response to some modicum of generosity he had seen from me. I don't do it in expectation of a return in kind, I just do it because I see the best in people and want to share and give that which people most need. That is often at my expense but as I have come to understand, the gift is in the giving... There is a wonderful joy in it.

Today I am feeling empty and lost. I really look around myself and question the connection I have to people here and to the place and to the life I craft for myself daily. I have so many questions and no one to answer them. Essentially at the bottom of all this I just want to be loved. Don't we all?

Recently I lost that which was most precious to me, well more to the point, it walked away from me without any reasons or answers. It was a love that had grown so big, so grand and lit places in my heart no light, no sunshine had ever seen.

Now that light has gone and the cold has returned and my heart which was so big and full of happiness to bursting is in pain and hungry for love again.

In an earlier post I spoke about how I was able to delay grief with great skill, well looks like the loss and pain has caught up to me today and coloured my world grey and lifeless again. Why is happiness and love so fleeting.

One of the many questions Obi has...