Where to next?

Today I am feeling more empty than the space between earth and the sun. I feel cold and alone and empty.

Today I spent the day in introspection. I spent the day looking at my life and the thin and fragile threads that make up me.

Captain Sensible said to me yesterday that he wondered why I gave 'them' (the people I have come to call friends here) so much of myself, when they gave so little in return. I couldn't answer. This was in response to some modicum of generosity he had seen from me. I don't do it in expectation of a return in kind, I just do it because I see the best in people and want to share and give that which people most need. That is often at my expense but as I have come to understand, the gift is in the giving... There is a wonderful joy in it.

Today I am feeling empty and lost. I really look around myself and question the connection I have to people here and to the place and to the life I craft for myself daily. I have so many questions and no one to answer them. Essentially at the bottom of all this I just want to be loved. Don't we all?

Recently I lost that which was most precious to me, well more to the point, it walked away from me without any reasons or answers. It was a love that had grown so big, so grand and lit places in my heart no light, no sunshine had ever seen.

Now that light has gone and the cold has returned and my heart which was so big and full of happiness to bursting is in pain and hungry for love again.

In an earlier post I spoke about how I was able to delay grief with great skill, well looks like the loss and pain has caught up to me today and coloured my world grey and lifeless again. Why is happiness and love so fleeting.

One of the many questions Obi has...