Disco-neckter

The warm sun shines through my atrium. It reminds me on an atrium in Vancouver In knew a good 15 years ago, late spring and warm company. ...My how things change...
Do you ever stop and question the predication of your actions. The self evidence and the contradiction of the expectation of the stony bedrock we base our life on.
I am just wondering why, on a day so still bright and glorious, do I have to still fight tooth and nail for my entire right to exist? Why should I have to fight against ignorance to express and share the most simple of facts. Love, life, respect and acknowledgement.
A monstrously heavy thought I know. But again, and as usual, I face the day alone and have to battle this eternal question for myself...
Maybe I will get a revelation while I watch the inane spinning of my clothes in the local Laundromat. Around and around and... around.
I will take a walk today and feel the warm sun on my face and stroll slowly and every forward in the crowd of busy shoppers. Zusammen allein.

Sorting colours from whites - Obi

Sunny daze and reminders

A glorious sunny day has touched my little city, the first sustained sun I have seen in 5 months. I have to admit I have discovered that I am not a person that can manage winter or snow for any length of time. I am a product of my origins: Australian, with that the expectation of warm weather and the ability to endure temperatures over 40c for a long period and to shrink and die in -30c.

Soon I have to put some serious thoughts into the clarity of action.

1. I have to hand in my severence of my flat lease. The minimum contract of one year will be up on the first of July, so I need to act quickly and get out. I thought it was a reasonable price to rent at when I didnt know, but if I cross over to the other side of town I can halve it. But do I want to move and have a contract again. So I need to find a month to month place...
2. Find a new place to be. I have been in Europe seeking the abstract that will not be uncovered, sure that is an abstract phrase to use here, but I don't have to explain everything to you, if you read regularly you would know what I mean. A kind friend has offered me a job in a eastern country, one with great promise and potential... but don't they all? This country has snow for at least 5 months a year - does that sound attractive?? - no.
   I am feeling quite emotionally distracted at the moment, most of it worrying about a fragile little heart trying to find her way in the dark. You can't really help someone if they don't want it, but what do you do when they can' help themsleves and don't want your help? When you ask questions and get no answers it is natural that frustration builds, perhaps it is that I believe I can see a clear path back to some normality for her and she refuses to budge from the position and self destructive self loathing. Any suggestions folks, because I am at a loss.
3. A kind friend who is leaving our little corner of the universe is quite wise for his age. He keeps telling me my biggest fault is that I am too generous and too kind and that I get walked all over whenever I help someone. Hence my phrase - "No good deed goes unpunished". I really don't know what to do about that - I shouldn't have to rip the best parts of me away and be as selfish and self serving as many of the people around me. Should I?
4. I am finding painfully that the new teacher is quite the vampire, a leech of sorts. I am just exhausted by her company and constant harping and complaining on some very specific topics. As a person I would have to say she plays the victim card throughout every aspect of her life. Sure she has had some rough times, haven't we all, we define ourselves by how we overcome adversity, but she is like a broken record! The worst part is that she has clamped on to me like a child lost at a carnival. She is so draining.
   

I have to get active - and no amount of coffee can help me. I need some other trigger...

Obi - itchy trigger finger....

Dil Laa liya be-parwa de naal Dil Laa liya be-parwa de naal

Butterflies & Repeating Patterns

If you are able to pay close enough attention to your life, chunks segments and stray situations will repeat themselves again. Sure they are not indentical to the first time around otherwise this would be a commonly known fact. Perhaps it is and I am a mental recluse - who knows dear reader... who knows...

Some of you may know but I generally like to avoid the media, not papparazzi. I mean CNN and newspapers and radio. Anyone who has been sufficently detoxed from that mindnumbing drug of the masses will tell you (as I will) that it is an INSTANT downer to turn on the radio and listen to the horrors and grief and sadness in other lands you have never been to or city names you have rarely heard. Sure it is dreadful and suffering is deplorable. But weighing down my own head with things so saddening and abstract does not help me become a better person or positively affect the lives of those I love around me. Sometimes it is the small picture and not the big...

Butterflies to most of us as a symbol represent joy and freedom. Today I want to write quite a bit on this topic but the person I am thinking of sometimes reads this and I have lost a friend of 2 in my time from being honest here. So I will hold this topic unhappily to myself.

TOPIC CHANGE -

I need to make a move soon. I have noticed that I am uncomfortable in a comfort zone. It's ironic isnt it! For as long as I can recall I deemed in neccessary to push my self hard outside any comfort zone because I believed I had so much to learn and replace within myself. Well the lady Fortuna has taken a special interest in me it seems and spun me around her finger so tight that I will snap soon.

I need to make a move soon. I must change my mind-set and think about where next I want to go. Germany to date has been an abissmal disappointment or a scale and grandeur I cannot convey here in words. I need to leave this town and find another place to be. But I am short of a few essential elements.

1. Money - I don't get paid enough to live anything further than a few weeks at a time - pay check to pay check is all i have and fi I was happy within myself and had someone I could be satisfied. gaining wealth has never been a priority for me.


2. Reserves - A fact that most of you are aware of I have shifted countries a lot in the past 3 years and that takes a lot out of you to do. Not only do you have to tune your ear and tackle a new language culture ans social structure you have to be totally and utterly alone again in the beginning - isolated until you get up to speed.


3. Energy - I am quickly discovering that my failing health will not see me in good stead for such an undertaking in the near future. I think my health is failing becasue my body and subconcious know that my main drive to be here in Europe is a wash out and I have failed myself and others in my quest.

So what do you do when you need to do something but have neither the money, reserves nor the energy? How is it you declare defeat? Signed forms in triplicated stamped and authorised wit ha receipt mailed to you within 7 days?

Last words for today - I am really missing someone a lot and can't cope with the ache I have in my heart.

Roll on grey sunday - Obi

Chemistry

The week has come and gone but I still seem to be vividly connected to the memories of last weekend. The location didn't matter, nor if I ate or slept. I had that rarified opportunity to share some time with a very special person.

What is chemistry? The attraction between 2 people. What are the ties that bind? I dunno. All I know is that in her company the rest of the world melted away and time stopped for me. I consider myself quite lucky.

I have been in contact with my dear friend this week and she has begun some changes in her life, firstly her hair colour, I am told it is blonde now and platinum leaps to mind and I hope I am mistaken., (I WAS - she was joking!!) The second a short holiday with family, which I think is a great idea.

My own parents are coming to town in 7 weeks for a stay of 6. I hope I can manage without popping a gasket.

I am really bouyant this week, it is amaaazing what a cuddle from the right person can do.

So this weekend I will learn the German Road Rules and study for my license change over. A beer with a co worker tonight and a relaxing weekend with my brain organisation time... :)

wish Obi luck kiddies!

MARCH - can you believe it??

Greetings to the stray vagrants that whirl past my page and read this.

Blogging is a cathartic experience but writer block is its enemy. When you are so mixed up inside and emotions obscure the clarity of the moment then it is difficult to vomit out onto the keyboard all the thoughts and ideas that come to mind.

I have been trapped in my own head for a long time and certainly not happy about it. Tho I did get a rare fresh breeze though my mind last weekend. I went to Dublin to see a dear friend I was very worried about.

Stray comments and unfinished ideas and are always filled in by the Swiss cheese effect, and I was extremely disturbed by the news I was getting from her.

After 3 days of talking, listening and tears, mostly from me, we came to an understanding and a realisation. It is amazing how much weight has been lifted from my heart and now I can at least reach for some of the vague shadows that are the ideas and plans I need to make.

I am still quite worried about my dear friend, I wish I could rescue her like knights of old, and slay the dragons and depression and uncertainty for her, but as anyone who has been depressed knows. The only person who can decide to change is the depressed person, and sometimes that is a slow process.

Obi is ready for Spring