Butterflies & Repeating Patterns

If you are able to pay close enough attention to your life, chunks segments and stray situations will repeat themselves again. Sure they are not indentical to the first time around otherwise this would be a commonly known fact. Perhaps it is and I am a mental recluse - who knows dear reader... who knows...

Some of you may know but I generally like to avoid the media, not papparazzi. I mean CNN and newspapers and radio. Anyone who has been sufficently detoxed from that mindnumbing drug of the masses will tell you (as I will) that it is an INSTANT downer to turn on the radio and listen to the horrors and grief and sadness in other lands you have never been to or city names you have rarely heard. Sure it is dreadful and suffering is deplorable. But weighing down my own head with things so saddening and abstract does not help me become a better person or positively affect the lives of those I love around me. Sometimes it is the small picture and not the big...

Butterflies to most of us as a symbol represent joy and freedom. Today I want to write quite a bit on this topic but the person I am thinking of sometimes reads this and I have lost a friend of 2 in my time from being honest here. So I will hold this topic unhappily to myself.

TOPIC CHANGE -

I need to make a move soon. I have noticed that I am uncomfortable in a comfort zone. It's ironic isnt it! For as long as I can recall I deemed in neccessary to push my self hard outside any comfort zone because I believed I had so much to learn and replace within myself. Well the lady Fortuna has taken a special interest in me it seems and spun me around her finger so tight that I will snap soon.

I need to make a move soon. I must change my mind-set and think about where next I want to go. Germany to date has been an abissmal disappointment or a scale and grandeur I cannot convey here in words. I need to leave this town and find another place to be. But I am short of a few essential elements.

1. Money - I don't get paid enough to live anything further than a few weeks at a time - pay check to pay check is all i have and fi I was happy within myself and had someone I could be satisfied. gaining wealth has never been a priority for me.


2. Reserves - A fact that most of you are aware of I have shifted countries a lot in the past 3 years and that takes a lot out of you to do. Not only do you have to tune your ear and tackle a new language culture ans social structure you have to be totally and utterly alone again in the beginning - isolated until you get up to speed.


3. Energy - I am quickly discovering that my failing health will not see me in good stead for such an undertaking in the near future. I think my health is failing becasue my body and subconcious know that my main drive to be here in Europe is a wash out and I have failed myself and others in my quest.

So what do you do when you need to do something but have neither the money, reserves nor the energy? How is it you declare defeat? Signed forms in triplicated stamped and authorised wit ha receipt mailed to you within 7 days?

Last words for today - I am really missing someone a lot and can't cope with the ache I have in my heart.

Roll on grey sunday - Obi