Taking Stock

Sunday and the city is quieter than usual. There was a big fireworks festival on the Rhine last night and the entire region gathered for the spectacle. I was invited by sms and call to many a place and party along the Rhine but I refused all invitations politely. The spectacle of fireworks on me in the frame of mind I am in would have a distracting and opposite effect. I stayed in bed most of Saturday and moved only to open a can of soup which I heat and ate absently. I was washed clean of all things but Friday's utter debacle. I am exhausted on so many levels.

My readership has changed too I have noticed, unlikely for the better. fewer and fewer comments on my page and I understand why. To speak of life in joyous terms you must have one... and I, my biggest flaw being my generosity, have given all but my breath away. I am washed clean of any further giving. This week coming I must dispose of my car as it is too expensive to repair. I must do a great many things that do not feed me and my energy wanes.

A small mistake last week was taken out of proportion and allowed to run amok on the life of someone I care about deeply. though the shouting I sensed through the brief email forced me to look at another aspect of my connection to that special person. It is fading and waning and dying. There is no time or opportunity to water it and feed it and expose it to the sunlight and warm winds. There is no time for any care or maintenance at all and so things untended die.

Curiously I have another friend in Australia that has stopped speaking to me altogether, without warning and without incident. This effect cascaded and continued and 2 others, completely unconnected have fallen off the world. No sms or email and message has changed this and I suspect I must change my deodorant or something about me to stop this from happening. But what and how?

My work is becoming quite intolerable in the consumption of my life and time, recently I had a thought that seems foreign and odd and the surprise came with I discovered it was my own, independent of any teaching and or employment. It has been such a long time since I was me, and even the warm summer sunshine cannot relax me and allow me to weep at the loss of me. It is less and less often now that I'm moved to write here and I know that there is an end to all things, but this blog is the only thing that connects me to some people out there and I will not falter.

So here is where my post ends... still tired, still drained, still... Obi the unconscious constant