Uncomfortable in my own skin

I have been in Germany now five weeks and aside from a looming operation on a pesky yet persistent stone, I am still uncomfortable in my own skin. I like Germans generally; I have no biases nor do I stereotype by nationality or religious or gender preference. Having said that, I can say that I have found all the people I have asked for help here to be lacking. Even medical professional I have paid to see have been less help than I experienced in Poland.
I can also say objectively that the sound of Polish in a group of people is far easier on the ear than that of German. I find it grating and the sounds too harsh, I am sure I will get used to it in time and learn to speak in the same manner… Time changes things; it just doesn’t bore you with the details…
I have to pay a rudely high commission on the flat I have rented. The real estate agents in this part of Germany seem to have a monopoly on this stupid system. I have to pay 2 months rent to them as a finder’s fee etc. And not only that, I have to pay 3 month as a bond instead of 2 months. Which means that my land lady doesn’t trust me, but liked the idea of a foreigner under her roof.
I am really uncomfortable in this fleabag long term stay hotel, I haven’t used the pots or pans or the other stuff provided here. I had some ‘idjut’ knock on my door and ask me for 2 Euros the other day, I told him to piss off rather quickly. Someone also introduced me to the neighbourhood by ripping my side mirror off my car overnight a few weeks ago. I just love this shithole ghetto I live in…
On top of that I have no social life, well, more to the point I have found that with the culture I am in the locals need to see you around a lot and often for a long while before they will be bothered speaking to you. I found this doing business with Germans a few years ago and it is still true today.
It is funny how many looks I get from people because of the Polish plates on my car. When I say funny I mean snide looks, Germans just don’t like Poles and the reverse is true as well. Could even be the reason my mirror was ripped off my car…
Now – before my devoted friend jumps in with a message and says that I sound depressed and so negative, I must remind her that this is my spleen venting valve and if I didn’t see a future I would leave PDQ…
To be positive in the middle of all this mire, I must say the feel of the city is good; the feng shue struck me the moment I left the tunnel and emerged into the rivered valley below. The Alt Stadt is really quite quaint with its narrow cobblestoned streets, except for the overpriced cafes and restaurants. The climate is warm and I have no complaints about the weather. It has a densely populated 130,000 people. A well run and organised city with shopping centres and cinemas. The Rhine and Mosel rivers split from here and the rising air I am told is great for power gliders, much like Bright back home is.
On the whole I have good and attentive students. I have a teenage girl class that I would happily throw from the fourth floor window, but I digress... I like it here.
As expected, arranging a visa is tough, and quite the pain in the ass. It will take time, I hope quicker than Poland was.
I have been thinking about Poland a lot lately. Missing my home above the restaurant, missing the familiar sights and sounds of the little town I called home. A boring place, but I felt a peace there.... that bordered on a comatose complete loss of touch with reality.... but a calm peace nonetheless.
I miss a great many things. I miss Penny a lot. I do love her dearly and miss her daily, but I also knew that she needed to give her marriage another chance and I am glad that I helped her to realise that. She is moving to Dublin in a month so her daughter can have her father again and so she can put her family together again. I find myself missing the sunshine too; I work a lot and don’t seem to get out much. The warm of the sun can never be forgotten, no matter how much winter you have had since you’ve seen it last.
I have figured out the whole love thing out. It has cost me more than I ever wanted to pay to finally learn about it, but the summary for me is that I do certainly believe in love, it is just that she does not believe in me. So whoever she is, the goddess Fortuna or the Goddess Venus, she does like a laugh that is for certain.
So I will do my economics degree and write up a storm, teach and enjoy learning to teach, I will learn German and do what I can to get by, but I don’t have any illusions about what I can expect or deserve for myself. It is all utterly irrelevant in the big picture. As I was discussing with someone today, if atoms can be smashed in a particle accelerator then what hope for me?
Obi taking a deep breath in and reaching for more pain medication...

O.P.S. – Saw Indiana Jones the other day, it really sucks ass in German.... Siiigh....