Hump Day - Err Week...

Why am I here? It came up in class the other day – what is good about Germany. And, after a stumped silence someone answered, “the good thing about Germany is that you can leave anytime…” Everyone looked at this student and started laughing and agreed.

I asked a similar question to my students in Poland, I asked them to give me 3 things they liked about Germany and no one spoke… I should have taken that as an omen, but I was so caught up in trying to get away from my cushy job and nice apartment and friends that I didn’t really listen.

What is it with me? I had a great job and a nice apartment with plenty of room. I had good friends and a wonderful sincere and loving girlfriend. I left. I left and now looking back I have no good reason why.

I think about it and I must say that I was bored in that little hick town, but strangely I miss it. I used to spend hours staring out my window and wonder what the hell I was doing so far from anywhere. I consoled myself by reminding myself that I left because I was learning nothing as a teacher. Because I was becoming lax and lazy in my day to day life and work. I left because my boss was a wanker and proved it grandly when I left.
The only constants is that I am still alone, or more to the point, more alone than I was.
That I have my work and starting from the basement again.
That I have to struggle (I seem to like situations where I really have to push, likely because they are the only ones I am used to)
That I am broke again.

I am so so tired of being alone now I can’t manage it for much longer. I really want to just settle down and just be happy with someone to care for. But I keep using the tango dance steps to do the waltz and tripping up again and again. Shakabuku anyone??

What I do have….
I have a new job and a fresh chance.
I have a group of people to work with (hmmm… that can be in the bad column too.
I have my dear friends closer to me, now just 2 hours on the Autobahn.
I have my uni course starting, and that should be good.
The summer is coming – thank god!
I have a very interesting city to explore.

What I don’t have…
I don’t have any cooperation or friendship from the people I work with; they all turn down offers to go out and on the weekends don’t even answer their phones or have run at full pelt for another city and are secretive about what they did on their weekends.
I don’t have any company or anyone to talk to. The most beautiful sight in the world is nothing if you have no one to share it with.
I don’t have a place I can really relax and call my home, I have been living in a stupid fleabag hotel for the past 3 weeks and I hate that I can’t open the front door all the way because it bangs into the kitchen, or that I have to step sideways to get through the kitchen, or that 2 paces after that I am on a creaky balcony looking at horrible backsides of buildings.
I don’t have enough money to afford the bond for the flat I took a look through on Friday night because my wanker ex boss didn’t pay me.
I don’t have anywhere to go or anyone I can ask to go out or just go window shopping with.
I am not free of this damn kidney stone that is causing me pain every night and affecting my sleep.

All I have are my teacher’s books and some small hope for the future… Obi bottom lip dragging champion 3 years running…